Day 17: A Sibling

I'm writing Ann Dee Ellis' 8 Minute Memoirs in place of #NaNoWriMo.

Initially, I skipped this prompt. I have four siblings and couldn't pick one, so I sat on this for a bit.

Then I remembered Brian, the imagined twin sibling that my parents gave to me as a child. Brian was my evil twin, the one who lived in the crawl space under the house. I was careful to behave so they wouldn't switch me out for Brian... but I've written about him before (although perhaps never posted).

Now as I sit in my dark house after midnight, I know what I should write about. A sibling, not for me, but for my child.

Growing up, I knew I wanted six kids. There were five total siblings in my home, and it often felt like one of us would get left out. Six solves that problem. Everyone can pair off and be happy.

Then infertility.

When I got married seven years ago, I thought I'd have at least three kids by now. Halfway to the full,  perhaps annoyingly large family I had always envisioned.

Now I'm struggling just to get to one, and I have no idea whether the one I hope for will ever get a sibling. There has been so much struggle and heartache and all I have to show for it at this point in time is one miscarriage and 12 other embryos lost either in the lab or my uterus. Right now I'm almost wondering whether the one kid will even be worth everything I've been through--can you imagine if I have to go through it all again just to get a second?

Siblings gave me so much growing up. We loved each other, hated each other, learned how to share and establish boundaries, and now we all have four other people to turn to when we want to reminisce , complain, or laugh about our childhood. Will I be able to give that to my child? Can I?